Miss Universe
She found a sash in a box of carnival junk and crowned herself. Now she needs runners-up.
Carnival day at the asylum
The 31 escapees
Every inmate has escaped in costume. Here's who might ring tonight, and what they have in store for you. The Doctor, as always, rings last.
31 escapees
The Village Idiot
Locked up for forty years, he finally wants to retire. He needs a successor.
The President
He thinks he's on the campaign trail and has turned the living room into a rally. He's looking for a successor.
The Judge
Committed after sentencing his own cat to life for knocking over a plant. His wig is cut from the common-room carpet, and his gavel is a shoe.
The Do-Gooder
He escaped to save the world from every possible offence. The moral tribunal is now in session.
The Bodybuilder
He lifts a paper-plate dumbbell from dawn to dusk. A nurse swore to him that true strength lies in the thumbs: ever since, he's been running thumb wars to find someone stronger than him.
The Mathematician
He spent thirty years counting the tiles in his cell. He now knows only two operations: doubling and halving.
The Child
He's 45 but convinced he's 8. He wants to watch the grown-ups play rock paper scissors, and he's taking bets.
The Royal Guard
He's still guarding a door that no longer exists, and he needs someone to take over. Rule number one: never smile.
The Drag Queen
She escaped in a cloud of glitter, convinced she's headlining the carnival. She's casting for her show.
The Sad Clown
He hasn't made anyone laugh since 1987. In despair, he begs you to show him how it's done.
The Singer
He thinks he's a Eurovision star and he's auditioning backing singers for his tour.
The Big Chief
He's pitched his tipi in the living room and only talks in smoke signals now. He has an urgent message for you.
The DJ
He lost his decks during the escape, and there's a tune stuck in his head he can't put a name to.
The One-Legged Man
He lost his wooden leg climbing over the asylum wall. Out of solidarity, he insists everyone gets the same treatment.
The Customs Officer
He guards an imaginary border in the middle of the living room. Nobody gets through without questioning.
The Postman
He's still delivering the asylum's post, thirty years late. Nobody knows what's in the letter.
The Fortune Teller
She reads the future in the coffee grounds from the infirmary. She already knows who's knocking next.
The Detective
He's spent twenty years investigating a crime that never happened. Tonight, his prime suspect is you.
The Thief
A kleptomaniac eaten up by guilt, he slips everything he steals into the nearest pocket.
The Poker Player
He wears dark glasses even in bed and suspects everyone of bluffing, his own mother included. He wants to prove you're a cheat.
The Gossip
She collects every embarrassing secret in the asylum, and she needs fresh ones.
The Psycho
The only truly dangerous one in the asylum. When he walks in, everyone backs away. Except he's found someone just like him.
The Gold Digger
She escaped on the arm of the first man who walked by, and she has life advice for everyone.
The Scrooge
The stingiest man in the asylum. He's never bought a round in his life, but he's passing the hat for his own birthday.
The King
He thinks he's the King of the Carnival and he's brought a king cake. Half-eaten.
The Unicorn
He's convinced he's a unicorn and lives on nothing but love and compliments.
The Mentalist
He claims every mind in the room is connected, and he wants to prove it.
The Amnesiac
He's forgotten who he is. He begs you to help him remember.
The Hipster
He's convinced he knew everything before everyone else. Including the wheel.
The Doctor
He's been chasing his patients all evening. He rings last, determined to restore order.
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